Talk about sitting around in self pity.
So I’m single now. And it feels awful. I go through a roller coaster of feelings everyday. I have an hour of feeling completely empowered to be able to do what ever it is that my little heart desires. And then an hour later I am heaving. Sobbing uncontrollably and blaming myself for everything. But for the past 36 hours there is an overwhelming feeling aching at my heart.
I am terrible human being. Dating him was bound to fail from the start, and I knew that. But he was such an innocent sweetheart, that I wanted to give him a chance, to see him happy, and in love made me happy. But at the end of the day, his happiness didn’t fully give me happiness. And like that , out of no where I broke his heart.
I don’t want to forget my first heart break so here is goes:
I was at work dreading the fact that I was going to break his heart in a few hours. He was texting me about how much he has missed me and how excited he was to see me later that day. His unadulterated joy made it even more difficult. But if not now, then was I ever going to do it?
On the train ride over, I was numb. I wasn’t thinking, I was just existing.
When I was waiting in the lobby, my nerves started going. He didn’t hear his phone ring at first, so the wait made it worse. But he walked over to me with a big goofy grin on his face. That big goofy grin that would normally brighten up my day. He had the warmest hugs and kisses. But he noticed I was off. He thought it was because he was late. So he pulls me to the 17th floor lounge. And asks me to explain myself.
I walked into this myself and there was no turning back. I start crying. I remember thinking “I can’t do this… but I have to.” That’s when I felt an outer body take over and do it for me. I was so stupid though. I started off saying, “I care for you a lot ly, but I’m no happy with out relationship.” and he said, “oh, well why aren’t you happy.”
“Well 50% of the time you are a great boyfriend, but 50% of the time, you aren’t”
“That’s a lot of time of me not being a good boyfriend….
how…” he choked on his words, keeping down his tears, “how could i have been better”
“Well, you never tell people you have a girlfriend until you absolutely have to or put in an awkward position”
“If your’e talking about Kelly, I told her a thousand times”
“Well then those before her…. I’m sorry lyle”
His tears break free and he chokes up a “Don’t say your’e sorry”
I squeeze at his leg because that’s all I knew how to comfort him but I could see he didn’t want me around. I mention that the summer would be a good time for the both of us, and say that I was sorry once again.
He doesn’t want to be felt bad for, and doesn’t want to hear my sorry.
And like the asshole I am, I walk out and leave, crying. No last hug. No last kiss. No closure. Completely out of the blue. I’m a dick.
Taking the longest commute home possible on public transit, I cry my eyes out and everyone ignores the sad, sobbing girl at the corner of the train car. I liked that, but I wanted, no needed, someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I needed someone. I couldn’t get my self to text anyone about it until later.
And like the asshole I am, and the sweetheart he is, he texts me “you made it home?”
I crushed his heart. Turned his world upside down, and he still was worried about my safety,
I cruel can I be?
I cried myself to sleep.