A scrub is a guy that can get no love from me

It’s been 21 days of the single life. For about 10 of those days I felt miserable and guilty. But somewhere in the middle of this who journey, I felt more free and a lot more happy. Yes I lost a few friends along the way – but they weren’t meant to stick around. 

As much of a good boyfriend he thought he was, and how dedicated he thought he was – that was no excuse for flirting with other people and using me for sex. It made it hard for me to see his love for me and from what happened between the sheets. And for those two reasons alone, I realized I wasn’t defending him, but rather selling myself short – thinking I don’t deserve anything better than what I have.

But why? Why don’t I?

I still really can’t answer that because I am not a model citizen. I am not the best daughter or sister or friend. But I try my best to be. Whenever I try to see someone else’s view of what they might think of me, a lot of negative thoughts come to mind. Some maybe true- but most of them aren’t.

My biggest fear is being told that I am boring and unoriginal. But we are a people that have existed for centuries- how original can a person be. And IF he was the one , and I truly did not deserve better — then that is okay with me. Not being happy while lying to another person day and night was a lot more emotionally tasking than watching netflix all alone wondering if I will find my man one day and what our babies will end up looking like.     

But right now I’m happy and looking forward to the rest of my life. I’m 19. I have a long road ahead and that was just one of many more loses and gains to come.  

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We’ve all got holes, but we carry on

Talk about sitting around in self pity.

So I’m single now. And it feels awful. I go through a roller coaster of feelings everyday. I have an hour of feeling completely empowered to be able to do what ever it is that my little heart desires. And then an hour later I am heaving. Sobbing uncontrollably and blaming myself for everything. But for the past 36 hours there is an overwhelming feeling aching at my heart.

I am terrible human being. Dating him was bound to fail from the start, and I knew that. But he was such an innocent sweetheart, that I wanted to give him a chance, to see him happy, and in love made me happy. But at the end of the day, his happiness didn’t fully give me happiness. And like that , out of no where I broke his heart.

I don’t want to forget my first heart break so here is goes:

I was at work dreading the fact that I was going to break his heart in a few hours. He was texting me about how much he has missed me and how excited he was to see me later that day. His unadulterated joy made it even more difficult. But if not now, then was I ever going to do it?

On the train ride over, I was numb. I wasn’t thinking, I was just existing. 

When I was waiting in the lobby, my nerves started going. He didn’t hear his phone ring at first, so the wait made it worse. But he walked over to me with a big goofy grin on his face. That big goofy grin that would normally brighten up my day. He had the warmest hugs and kisses. But he noticed I was off. He thought it was because he was late. So he pulls me to the 17th floor lounge. And asks me to explain myself. 

I walked into this myself and there was no turning back. I start crying. I remember thinking “I can’t do this… but I have to.” That’s when I felt an outer body take over and do it for me. I was so stupid though. I started off saying, “I care for you a lot ly, but I’m no happy with out relationship.” and he said, “oh, well why aren’t you happy.”

“Well 50% of the time you are a great boyfriend, but 50% of the time, you aren’t”

“That’s a lot of time of me not being a good boyfriend….

how…” he choked on his words, keeping down his tears, “how could i have been better”

“Well, you never tell people you have a girlfriend until you absolutely have to or put in an awkward position”

“If your’e talking about Kelly, I told her a thousand times”

“Well then those before her…. I’m sorry lyle”

His tears break free and he chokes up a “Don’t say your’e sorry”

I squeeze at his leg because that’s all I knew how to comfort him but I could see he didn’t want me around. I mention that the summer would be a good time for the both of us, and say that I was sorry once again.

He doesn’t want to be felt bad for, and doesn’t want to hear my sorry.

And like the asshole I am, I walk out and leave, crying. No last hug. No last kiss. No closure. Completely out of the blue. I’m a dick.

Taking the longest commute home possible on public transit, I cry my eyes out and everyone ignores the sad, sobbing girl at the corner of the train car. I liked that, but I wanted, no needed, someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I needed someone. I couldn’t get my self to text anyone about it until later.

And like the asshole I am, and the sweetheart he is, he texts me “you made it home?”

I crushed his heart. Turned his world upside down, and he still was worried about my safety,  

I cruel can I be? 

I cried myself to sleep. 

Summertime Sadness

I am done with my lazy summer time routine of just sitting around with self pity. This is the summer before I turn 20 and I want to remember this summer with spontaneous plans and fun days and nights. I refuse to stop myself from going out because I feel insecure about my body. Instead of sitting around wishing I had a six pack, I’m going to get my ass to the gym to work it out. I would be happy with losing just 5 lbs. and gaining 10 of muscle. I want to come into Junior year looking hot and ready to work hard. I have 2 more years to bring up my GPA and 2 more years to enjoy. 

Two years to LIVE, carefree.

 

When will I know?

I might be a hopeless romantic, but when will I know I am with the right person, and that I should stop looking. After being with my boyfriend for a year and a half, I realized I never loved him, rather I pitied him, as well as myself. I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone else.

But truth be told, he is way too good for me. He does everything a boyfriend should do. He is there to hold me when I cry hysterically over my foggy future. He listens to my stupid stories and doesn’t complain. He opens doors and gives me the inner chair. He doesn’t let a day go by without reminding me how much he loves me. And how lost he would be without me.

But truth be told, he does things that a boyfriend really shouldn’t do at the same time. He constantly flirts with other girls but blames it on his naturally flirty nature. He smoke weed more than he breathes in oxygen. He barely showers and keeps himself clean. He constantly wants to lay down and cuddle — and by that I mean he just wants to sleep with me if we ARE hanging out. He blames that on his very sexual nature and how he just MUST do it everyday. I’m sick of all this shit and I just want out.

But then I look at it again and I see the innocent boy that just loves me.

But that is my problem. I’m dating a boy, not a man. He has no goals of ambitions for himself and that is my biggest turn off. An organized, focused man can have my heart any day.

But this relationship has to end… I just don’t know how … 😦  

Two Years Down, Two More To Go

Half way through college, and I am doubting myself more and more everyday.

What am I truly meant to do with my life, and why am I forced to choose now!? All I have ever seen myself as is a doctor. An ER MD and that is truly where I see myself the happiest. But honestly, I doubt I am even getting into Medical School. With a 3.2 GPA no one is going to want me. And if that happens, what do I do? Where do I go? I know for a fact I do NOT want to become an engineer nor would I be good at it.

My life feels as though I am just doing things that are expected of me because that is what people do these days. They go to college and get a degree in something they think they might enjoy. But at the end of the day how many of them are happy? And how many people regret it?

 

I do NOT have the guts to just say FUCK IT. I’m going to only do things that make me happy. But I realize how short life is, and how I won’t be young forever. I don’t want my life to pass me by, but all I see myself doing now is passing by the days until I get to a point where it won’t work out anymore. Where I’ll be so stuck in the confinement of my life choices that I will lay on my death bed wishing I have stuck to being more of myself and living out my own dreams.